I don't know what's going on with my life. I feel like I'm losing everything out of my control. Lost almost every friend I had. Doing bad at my job and barely showing up at the university. I don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know how to figure it out. I'm just stupid and a bad person in general. I've been fucking my life and now I stared feeling the weight of my stupid decisions now. It is getting hard to ignore it and my chest and mind feels heavy. I feel like nothing is going as it was supposed to.
I feel like I want to quit university but then what? I'm gonna keep working my stupid job and will not be able to get anything better, probably. Also, quitting would cause a very bad reaction and I will disappoint many people and I don't want this to happen. Many people with so many expectations, but I feel like I'm drowning because of that. The least I can hope for is to switch universities and go to one that will allow me to study part-time. That would be way better. And yet I feel like I'm too dumb to even work the thing I'm studying. This is very stupid. Why do I keep banging my head against the wall?
I'm doing poor at my job as well. I keep doing stupid stuff and showing my co-workers how stupid I am. They don't really like me anyway, not like I care anyway. But if I'm doing poorly in this job then where am I going to do good? Where am I going to fit? I don't understand what's happening. I was doing kinda good at my old job or at least I like to think so. I have to either start doing better or just quit even tho I'm not in the position where I can't quit just like that.
I don't understand, the year started somewhat good but all of a sudden I feel the same way I was feeling a bit before the end of the last year if not even worse. And I was so happy just around 2 years ago. Times, where good, and I had good friends and all. Also, many new things were happening. Now nothing happens, I'm stuck in a loop while I keep going downhill. All my friends went to study outside the city while I stayed here. Now I don't keep contact with any of them except with one but even with him, I started contacting very rarely. I might lose him too and then what? I need to call him more, but our calls have been getting more and more dry, we just don't have much to talk about and this is killing me. But I'm to blame too, I'm not a good friend and have let too many people down. I met an old classmate on the street a few month ago and told me to text him if I wanted to go out sometime but I didn't get to text him and this is not the only case. I am just not a good friend
At least I'm getting closer to get my driver's license, but I keep failing at the theory exam. I'm just stupid, but I need to try more, I need to keep trying because if I don't get my license people will finally give up on me at this point. It will be nice if I get it tho and that's why I need to keep trying. So I don't let people down once again and to be able to move around easier
I don't know what's awaiting me in the future. I don't know but I know my plans are failing and I've fallen so deep I can't even fix it. I will need to come up with something new. I need to fix my current problems. I need to stop chasing goals impossible for someone like me. I need to adapt to the situation somehow. I don't even know what I'm writing right now, it's all just a mess but I don't have anyone to talk with anyway. I don't have anyone to share all of this with. No one I would feel comfortable to show them all of this. No one that would bother listening to my problems that doesn't concern them one bit. I don't need anyone anyway because I know how to deal with it. I know it will pass I just hope it will pass faster. I hope I will be able to ignore it to the point where I don't feel sad anymore, it works.
This blog is stupid. I will destroy it later if I don't forget about it.
05/03/25
